Kit's Satire: Ideal Part Time Jobs

I'm on the light side this weekend, and have been thinking about some ideal, part-time fluff jobs, perfect for folks looking for a second gig. Feel free to add yours.


~Presidential Check Writer~

You can handle this job! Yes, I am certain that nearly all of you have a great deal of experience writing checks, so add that to your resume. Our Commander In Chief is too busy to fill out all these "bailout" checks. You can do this, and he only needs to sign them.




Just remember to not use the word "welfare" around him. I think he likes to call it "economic recovery" money or some other fancy phrase to make the rich and the tax payers feel better.


~Food Disposer for Gordon Ramsey~

Didn't your grandma or mom teach you to carry ziplock bags whenever you ate at buffet restaurants? Remember how embarrassed you were when other customers or the wait staff caught you? You've got experience then! You can dispose this celebrity cook's magnificent meals right into your refrigerator, as fresh and crisp as it was on his show. The all paid travel benefits will be a plus.



~Vibrator Tester~

Someone has to do it, right? Both women and men can apply to determine if the latest interesting little device can give a good shoulder massage. That's what they're for, right? Just be sure to take out a life insurance policy, however, in the event that faulty wiring in the encasement causes a power outage in your body.




~Medical Marijuana or Alcohol Sampler~

Don't lie. Bunch of y'all got experience in this area. For every batch of legal weed or ale, somebody is working in Quality Control and testing that shit. Might as well be you.




~Reality TV Show Audition Screener~

If you can scan a crowd and quickly identify a bully, nutcase, nerd, skank, dimwit, or a beautiful girl or hunky guy willing to do anything for love, fame or career, apply for the next season of shows.

My favorite was Real Chance of Love (their Stallionaire Guide To Dating clips are pretty funny), and more recently, I Want To Work For Diddy 2.

"Ahahaha... These silly hoes thought we were looking for love.
But thanks for letting me tap that ass."

- hat tip to Chicken Head

"What, you think this is easy?
Work for me anyway so I can send my kids
AND the next 20 generations of Diddys to college!"

Even if you have a long history of dating or working with "unforgettable" folks, that's experience, so apply to screen those candidates. Afterwards, you might even get a date with, or can give a job to, someone who didn't make the cut.

Then you can blog about them.


~Doomsday Clock Watcher~

If you can tell time and periodically holler out, "It's still five to midnight!", apply now.

There's actually a doomsday clock. It's was started by and is maintained by the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists. As said in wikipedia, "The number of minutes before midnight – measuring the degree of nuclear, environmental, and technological threats to mankind – is periodically corrected; currently, the clock reads five minutes to midnight, having advanced two minutes on 17 January 2007."




These mofo's actually think the world will end when their clock says so. They probably drink too much coffee and worry too much, then try to get everyone else to worry with them. I used to do that, and I know just thing they need.

I'm gonna apply for that job. When they're yapping it up on their umpteenth coffee break, I'm gonna push up the time to past midnight, just to eff with their heads.


Betcha they'll be applying for some of those other jobs by tomorrow.