Monday, December 28, 2009

Taking The Hardest Path


When the strongest one in the family can no longer carry all of the burdens, it is critical that another person carries at least part of the load. If no one steps up or is able to, the center falls apart, and this family is no more.

Sometimes that second person in the family need only to carry themselves.

Such has been the case with my son, Xavier, the past weekend. Each day he gets ups, presses a white shirt and puts on a tie. Then he seeks employment.

I have scared the hell out of my son. He thinks the odds are high that we're moving to a shelter 'cause Mama is broke. It's the only way I could wake his azz up. I'll be financially hurting like crazy if and when I pay for boxes, bubble wrap, tape, a moving company, and a deposit on yet another place to live, but I'm pretty sure the County will offer some assistance.

Yesterday evening, he spoke not as a spoiled, entitled brat without a care in a world or regard to my suffering, but as one who is trying to fit his feet into adult shoes.

"Ma," Xavier said as he watched me throw away things I don't need nor want to take when we eventually leave, "I can't believe this is happening, but I know that God will see us through this. Keep your faith."

"My faith ain't gone nowhere," I replied, thinking that for a lifetime he has depended too much and exclusively on me. If he thinks God will make it just as easy on him now, he's got a major wake up call coming.

He nodded, then said, "I've been looking at my ID card several times a day... I look at my birthday on it to remind me that I'm 21. That means I'm grown. I have to get a job and be able to take care of myself."

What an odd way of dealing with reality, I thought. Instead, I said, "That's true. Good luck."

He said other stuff, but that's the highlight I remember most. He was parroting back many of the common sense things that I and others have said to him the past several years.

My danger of actually hearing him talk the talk and seeing him take action, is that it has me entertaining the idea that he will evolve into the kind of person who operates best under extreme pressure.

Years ago I had vision of him working in a rescue type job, maybe as a medic, fireman, or good soldier. He still might end up on a path like that. Who knows?

Meanwhile, I fight my codependent urge to take him with us where ever we go. It's a battle I silently fight several times a day. The thought will creep into my mind: "See, he's growing up and better already. Dressing up and actually looking for work. Talking to me with respect, not like an ungrateful and appallingly selfish teenager."

And then I recognize the trap of this thinking. It's crystal clear when I see it in others. It has been my blindspot in loving and nurturing my son, to both his detriment and my own. He's like a plant that I have over-watered. If ever there was a time that he does not need to be rescued, that time is now.

My enabling thoughts hit me hardest early yesterday afternoon. My daughter Cassie and I snuck off to see a new house for rent. The man who owns it is a contractor, bought it for what had to be one of the greatest deals in the area, and renovated it. The place is knock-dead gorgeous, spacious, and located a block from the Metro.

If I sublet to a professional who paid his or rent on time, we could afford it. That's a big "if", in times when people are being laid off in droves and can't find work. I live in Maryland, just outside of DC, and even my friends married to lawyers or have one who just graduated law or business school are in distress that their loved ones are out of work.

And then the self-destructive thought based on wishful thinking snuck into my mind:

I could sublet to my son! It could work, I delude myself for a few minutes, because if Xavier was 100% determined to get and keep a job and not relapse again and not get disrespectful and abusive and clean up after himself and not bring home questionable friends when we're not there and and and...

(Sigh)

He has no track record to suggest he could pull that off, and I'd be in a deeper financial and emotional hole than I am now.

I'd also be a piss poor role model for my 14 year old daughter. I can just see this whole cycle repeating itself ten or twenty years from now. She'd could end up with a deadbeat boyfriend, husband, son or daughter whom she enables to remain dysfunctional, and she'd be good at it because she would have learned how to do this from me.

No, I pray silently to myself when moments like these strike. God, please help me stay strong, to not fear that he will perceive my moving on as abandonment, and as a result, succeeds in yet another suicide attempt.

I haven't decided if Xavier's baby-on-the-way is another wild card that is a blessing in disguise. His girlfriend confirmed it the other day. She is most definitely pregnant - and not two months, but nearly three and now just barely showing. I can almost feel the life inside of her.

He has got to get his shit together or he'll lose her for sure. She has zero plans to abort it, and is waiting until she's a little bit further along so her parents won't pressure her to do so. If Xavier plays his cards right, he'll be working, self-sufficient, and marry in the spring when she turns 18.

Damn, but my family situation is sounding more ghetto by the minute. It's almost funny. Almost.

All we need now is me succumbing to stupidity and letting Xavier move in with me wherever I go next, then his girl getting kicked out and him bringing her and their baby home, followed by him getting locked up over some Mickey Mouse marijuana charge, and the picture will be complete.

I ask myself, how in the hell did even this much happen to me?

Yeah, one answer: from a social systems point of view, my son wasn't an infant when I adopted him. He came with tons of emotional baggage from a mother on drugs who had few resources, followed by neglect in two foster homes, then spotty services in the school and mental health systems. I'm fairly convinced he would not have all these issues had I adopted him as an infant.

On the other hand, you never know. Even educated and stable people produce children who have emotional and mental vulnerabilities, i.e. learning disabilities, mood disorders, and alcohol and substance abuse problems. You get what you get and you deal with it.

Meanwhile, the exploitative, potentially violent and manic landlord in the basement has been quiet as mouse. He's hardly been here. I have no idea whether my telling him in writing on the 23rd that I went to the police about his threats has made him back off, or if he's still a time bomb waiting to go off again.

As I said in the comment section of my last post, he is the problem in my life that came out of left field.

That's alright; God is control of this game... and I fight the urge to choke up now with sentimentality as I think, God surely wants us to win.

Maybe not in the way I would like, but in a way that will free me from prolonging the agony of parenting a grown-azz, immature young adult, from my son remaining a child, and my daughter from subconsciously learning that it's okay to tolerate chronic dependency, being taken for granted, and sucking up disrespect from others, even when it's from family.

And pride is an issue. I have too much and have only shared what we're going through with family and one close friend. As I have talked with other friends over the holidays, I listen to what they've been up to and plan for movie dates and a party. They have no idea what I've been going through.

It's kind of weird being competent and strong all my life, only to have things fall apart now. I'm not sure if my need to be doing fine or at least give the appearance of being so, is a good or bad thing. This is very fairly common in my family and social circle. We're all high achievers. We're stoic. It's like we rarely reveal hardships until after a storm of life blows over, and the damage has been cleaned up, that we share that we've even been in a storm. Nearly all of us work in helping professions, too.

I have to think about this value system more, where helpers hate needing help and become so embarrassed when they do. On one hand it makes you utterly self-sufficient and independent, but on the other hand, it slows down the problem-solving and healing process because you've walled off some of best resources with secrecy.

I hope that your having a peak inside my life helps many of you struggling with your own problems. Your comments and the few emails I received, even the most critical, have been enormously helpful in me not feeling so alone, and in staying on this very hard path. Thank you.


15 comments:

  1. Your family situation sounds like it is evolving positively.
    Ghetto? I guess it's a matter of how you view things. I've got a nephew who was similarly taken care of all his life, given everything, etc. Decided not to go to college, jumped around from job to job, then when he was in his eraly 20s got a young girl pregnant. He straightened up, married her (when she turned 18), stuck with a decent job he finally managed ot get and they now have a beautiful family w/ 2 kids.

    BTW: How is your lovely daughter doing these days? I hope she is well and still doing well in school.

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  2. Sagacious, She's doing great. Has a 3.6 GPA in honors classes, plays on the bball team and orchestra. It's actually amazing to me, but she's always had a very calm temperament and pragmatic approach to problems.

    About your nephew... stories like this are not uncommon and give me hope. I think that for the majority, parenting makes one a better person, or at least more responsible and mature. We'll see.

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  3. I think what you are facing is a lot more common than you realize. Its just that educated middle class folks don't talk about the bad stuff. One of the things I have learned through my own blog and oversharing is that I am not alone and neither are you.

    People in my inner circle have shared based off my blog that they too are struggling its just that they don't share it.

    Frankly I think our tendency to hide stuff is our downfall as a culture, but what can we do?

    As for you, I think the fact that you are realizing that how you deal with shit is sending a message to your daughter is right. We (females) look at our Mamas as role models and its something we have to be mindful of.

    Sounds like your son is going to be manning up one way or the other would a baby on the way, to some degree he will have to figure out his path. Babies have a strange way of giving us focus.

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  4. Hi Kit,

    Your writing is from the heart and it pours out with clarity. I believe that part of the parenting process is stepping in. We do it for so many years that it becomes an involuntary act. I remember when my oldest enlisted in the service and we both stood in front of the bus that would take him away. So many thoughts ran through my mind in that moment but one resonated: "He must increase, I must decrease". That is the reality of being a parent, accepting that my role decreases.

    Something you said also resonated with me, "You get what you get and you deal with it." How powerfully true that is and yet, it can be easily obscured by circumstances.

    U

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  5. I hope everything turns out well for you, and for him, and I think it will. Some people on craigslist give away moving boxes and supplies for free, maybe you can find someone and save a few dollars.
    Since he is young (and, as I understand, fit), he may actually have a good chance of entering a rescue or a military profession. They are so well-paid, and he does seem to thrive in times of crisis, from what I read on your blog.
    Don't feel bad about sharing your troubles, they are not your fault. You don't have to give people a detailed account of your emotional state, but what's so humiliating about saying "I'm looking for a cheaper rent", or "I'm looking for another part-time gig"? Most job opportunities gotten through networking come through acquaintances, not through close friends or relatives. Don't feel embarrassed about getting financial assistance either, you've worked hard for so many years, and you paid big taxes to protect yourself in case of a crisis; taking the State up on that deal is nothing to be ashamed of.
    I hope you keep enjoying the holidays, I know something good will happen for you.

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  6. Hi Kit,
    I hope you had a nice Christmas with your loved ones, just as you were determined to do.

    "That's alright; God is control of this game... and I fight the urge to choke up now with sentimentality as I think, God surely wants us to win." A good friend of mine says: "People plan; God laughs." It makes me laugh but something about that saying gives me peace.

    "It's kind of weird being competent and strong all my life, only to have things fall apart now .... Nearly all of us work in helping professions, too." My mother could have written that whole paragraph. And yes, I was watching how my mother handled those who depended on her. She didn't get it perfect but when my father's mental illness bloomed, I understood that she stuck with him for the right reasons and I also watched her build her own life apart from that. I really respected that.

    "I have to think about this value system more, where helpers hate needing help and become so embarrassed when they do. On one hand it makes you utterly self-sufficient and independent, but on the other hand, it slows down the problem-solving and healing process because you've walled off some of best resources with secrecy." I could have written that, if I wrote as well as you do, that is.

    "I hope that your having a peak inside my life helps many of you struggling with your own problems." It really does. Thank YOU. Your last post reminded me of the Serenity Prayer and it's been sticking with me and comforting me for days.

    Happy New Year, Kit!

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  7. Hi Kit. The previous comments reflect some of my thoughts also. This is undoubtedly a difficult time, one I'm fully convinced will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. May the next chapter be one of peace and abundant favor.

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  8. Curvy Girl, A blessing in disguise - yeah, I hope so!

    Karen L, Aw, thank you. I really appreciate that.

    Marianne, Thank you for the reminder about freebies on craigslist. I do take some blame, however; I was an idiot to let him move in with us here back in August. It wasn't like I wasn't warned. Maybe this time I'll get it right and he can grow up.

    underOvr, You said, "Your writing is from the heart and it pours out with clarity. I believe that part of the parenting process is stepping in. We do it for so many years that it becomes an involuntary act.

    I love that. It's a wonderful complement, accurate description of why it's so hard to step back. I keep seeing him from the rear view mirror in my mind - as a tiny little boy in distress and in need of protection.

    Thank you for sharing about your struggle to pull away, to "decrease" your involvement when your son became a man. This helps.

    BGIM, You said, "Frankly I think our tendency to hide stuff is our downfall as a culture...

    Me too. That's why I write this stuff.

    And thanks for validating how our girls need us to not be wimpy role models who cave in to irresponsible men.

    And "Babies have a strange way of giving us focus." Yeah, he wants to be a good man, husband, and father so badly - to be what he never had - and if he can muster up the action required to do so, he'll be okay. Big 'ifs', and I take a 'we'll see' approach. It's up to him.

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  9. Sometimes you just have to let go.
    My imprisoned brother recently asked if he could come out and stay with me for yet another cleansing experience.
    I said "No. You need to figure out how to deal with the shit YOU make."
    Is he mad?
    Hell no.
    He just realizes that I'll help him with anything but I won't put up with everything.

    Now, if I can get my mom, his dad, and our sister to treat him the same way - maybe he'll learn that there are consequences to ones actions.

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  10. Just caught up on your blog today. My prayers are with you and your family, and I'm really glad to hear that Xavier finally seems to be stepping up. It's hard not to run behind him and pick up the pieces like you're used to doing, but you're definitely doing the right thing. Xavier's had some hard knocks but for most of his life he's had a great support system, and it's time for him to start taking responsibility for himself, his behavior, and his emotions. He may have more obstacles than most, but they're not insurmountable.

    I'm glad that you decided to share your troubles. It's good to have an outlet because holding in all those worries and stress becomes toxic to your health. And I'm sure that your story will help somebody else. I hope you're communicating with your daughter too. Sometimes our actions aren't perceived correctly and as a young lady, it's important that you tell her what she should expect from a man and what she shouldn't tolerate. Too many kids fall by the wayside because their parents take for granted that they know better. Cassie seems like a very smart girl, but it never hurts to reaffirm the important things.

    Happy holidays, and I wish you a blessed and prosperous New Year :-)

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  11. Ugly Black John, You said about your brother, "I'll help him with anything but I won't put up with everything."

    Good decision. With Xavier, the two have been intertwined because he lives with me and I've viewed him as my child, and more of a child than an adult. That day ended yesterday, and I'll post on it later.

    Brownbelle, Yes, too much stress is toxic to one's health, and that's a good reminder, along with the need to affirm positive things to an already very smart daughter. Thank you.

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  12. Hey Kit, one question: Has revealing yourself as you have shown itself to be therapeutic?

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  13. Kit, see, i'm smiling now, bc the moment you have that moment, you know you are free. I've been here and there before, so i know lady. You are well on your way...just keep stepping!

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  14. Kit, It gives me joy to hear about your daughter. You are very blessed.

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  15. "I have to think about this value system more, where helpers hate needing help and become so embarrassed when they do. On one hand it makes you utterly self-sufficient and independent, but on the other hand, it slows down the problem-solving and healing process because you've walled off some of best resources with secrecy."

    I need to keep this quote somewhere where I can see it regularly. I know it inside, and I try to fight my urge to "just do it myself" but it is not easy.

    Thank you for sharing. It means a lot.

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Hi, this is Kit.

I haven't posted since summer 2010, and comment moderation has been on for a very long time.

My old blogger friends (you know who you are) are welcome to email me.

I can be reached at:
kitsmailbag@gmail.com.