Saturday, July 25, 2009

The Remedy For Burnout:
Pull The Plug

Pulling the plug was easier than I thought.

Figuratively, that's what I did earlier this year. Stopped watching and reading so much news on cable, mainstream and alternative sites and blogs, and stopped blogging. So many of so-called conspiracy theories have been exposed to be true, some thankfully have not. The evil that people do, particularly ones with the power and money to affect the masses finally overwhelmed me.

So I tuned out.

Not completely; I still skim the news or what passes for news each day, but limit myself to 15 to 30 minutes a day, and some days don't watch or read it at all, and instantly click off propaganda designed to stir up anxiety and/or hatred among people.

This strategy still has not insulated me from racism or hate. I have a pretty nasty landlord whom I complained about last year for talking to me abusively and behaving horribly in general. She held a grudge for this and waited for the perfect moment to do a payback. Despite paying my rent on time and even early for years, she concocted a reason to justify telling me to move within certain timeframe legally allowed by the law. They can do this where I live, as the deck is stacked in favor of landlords, not tenants.

I complained to her boss. He's a 60-something year old white guy who can't wrap his old school brain around the concept that a black tenant has rights to be respected, which is clearly stated on the lease.

In a nutshell, I've been given the "uppity Negro" treatment, where complaining about injustice results in retaliation and more injustice.

Thus, I'm in the process of moving. I may or may not have a viable lawsuit, depending on whether an attorney thinks the case could be won. Pursuing court action is always stressful, which is one reason so many date rape victims don't press charges. They want justice and often revenge, but neither comes swiftly and it's not guaranteed in a he-said she-said scenario where neither is provable and there is no hard evidence beyond the spoken word.

I have my written words as documentation in this case, but these white collar thugs have put nearly nothing in writing themselves, and say one thing one day then deny they said it or that I "misunderstood" what was said. This ordeal has sucked the joy out of my summer. The cumulative effect of racism in my life plus this made me very, very depressed.

On the other hand...

Sometimes it's just time to move on. I found a new place and if things go well, will sign a lease early next week. It's actually nicer than where I live now and a little cheaper, and my youngest can walk to school. It's a house, so we'll have a backyard. There's another tenant who sublets the basement, but he seems cool, and we'd only share the laundry room.

I thought I might need a little extra money too, so I looked around for another job, something part-time. Went to an interview this week and the lady hired me on the spot. Pays really well and the hours have great flexibility.

The only thing is, she said I have a physical and an x-ray for a TB test. I was exposed to TB nearly 20 years ago. Didn't have it, but if the skin test is positive, they put you on medication for 6 to 9 months.

Hell, I haven't been to a doctor is six years because I have no health insurance. So first things first. On Friday I went to a community health clinic and got the X-ray for $20. My fear is not TB, but lung cancer. Recently, each morning when I awaken, I cough up a little blood. It's not much, and is usually dark, but on Friday it was bright red.

I've wondered if my many years of off-and-on smoking caught up with me. TB would be welcome compared to cancer, since the former is usually curable.

I've been thinking of an old saying a lot and in my mind, repeat it like a mantra to keep me calm and grounded in reality: what's done is done, and what has been done, cannot be undone.

I don't pray for mercy, only strength and ability to plan well for my youngest child's life. My son is grown and has been working all year, and should be able to fend for himself if things don't work out for me.

And at night I tell myself, God's Will be done, God's Will be done, God's Will be done...

and whatever happens, because of this, I know that I'll be okay.


  1. After a lot of things went down around me, I have also started the mantra of "God's will be done" rather than trying to beg for what I want specifically. I love the quote "what's done is done, and what has been done, cannot be undone".

    I wish for God's will to be done for you and your family.

    Congrats on the new place, and I hope that it all works out to be less stressful for you.

  2. Good to hear from you, Kit. But, coughing up blood? Get that checked out, quick!

    I hope your move goes well, and the lawsuit. New digs can make a lot of life seem very different.

  3. KIT: Don't take offense to what I'm about to say. Why would you go 6 years w/o seeing a Dr.? You KNOW that isn't a wise choice, medical insurance or not I am certain you could've found a provider. You have children. I really hope you will be okay but this is very scary and it was very avoidable had you put yourself first. Which you already know you needed to do. Why do so many black women give to everyone else but neglect themselves?!!!! It's better to tackle these things head on than let them accumulate. I'm speaking for myself as well. I have some messiness in my life to clean up but we really need to stop doing this. Again I really hope that you are okay and will be well.

  4. Acts of Faith, Hey girl! I shouldn't be laughing but I am, b/c I know you're fussing with me out of concern. And you're right. Thank you, 'preciate that.

    I've had some crappy experiences with docs. In the early 90s, I had to go to six of those mofos before getting one who would listen to me and test me for Lyme Disease, and by then I was pretty sick. One of many experiences I've had.

    So other than the smoking off an on, I tried to stay healthy and control my BP (which I was shocked to learn this year at a store was too high). Everyone has pockets of stupidity; smoking has been one of mine.

    Macon, Hey! Nice to hear from you too! They'll mail me the results by late next week. Maybe I'll have not one but two things to celebrate, a new place and a good health report. We'll see.

    A.Eye, Hi! I love that quote too. It keeps me sane.

    To all: I know it's a been a long time. Thanks for any prayers. With the Lord in charge, no matter what, my family and I should be okay. This probably sounds batshit crazy to the non-spiritual, but it does remove a lot stress from my shoulders.

  5. Glad to see you back... Keep believing in HIS WILL. Its always right

  6. OMG! You're back...k, let me go back and read the post :)

  7. Oh no, coughing up blood?! That sounds horrid. I hope everything works out in your favor. Praying for you...

  8. There can be thousands of reasons for coughing up blood Kit, most of them treatable, with cancer being the cause in a very tiny percentage of cases. Regardless you will have to get it checked out. Good luck to you.

  9. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I suspect I need to take the plunge and just pull the plug as I am a total news junkie and lord knows it stresses me.

    As for the coughing up blood, I won't berate you about not going to the doc...I know how it goes though having a mom who died of lung cancer and a dad who is a throat cancer survivior, I go to the doc regularly. Even when I was without insurance I did the free clinic.

    Please get that coughing checked out...

    By the way I do miss your posting but understand the need to handle your business.

  10. Kit, so glad to see you back! I think you've got a healthy approach to the news, one that I try to adopt myself. WE'll be practically neighbors soon so be sure to call on me if you need me.

    I'm not going to berate you on the coughing up blood as you know what I'd say and you agree with it, so there's no point.

    BUT, on the suit, you just need to figure out where to put your energy. I was in a situation earlier this year when I needed to decide whether to pursue legal action. I decided against it in my case, because the negatives outweighed the positives. Only you can decide if the potential benefit is worth the costs, both financial and emotional.

    Blessings upon you and yours.

  11. Welcome back again.

    Good to hear your son is working steady. That's a triumph from what I remember you writing.

    I hope the blood thing turns out to be nothing.

  12. Praying for you and a speedy recovery. Miss your posts bunches!

  13. Welcome back.

    What's wrong w/praying for mercy?

    Hopefully a door shut, and a new door will open for you!

    be well.

  14. Kit, it's so good to hear from you. I've thought of emailing you I figured you would rather have your space.

    Just remember, when one door closes, another one is always opened up for you.

  15. Hey KIT!
    God bless you, sis. I'm certainly praying for you and your family. Be encouraged, my dear.
    May God's will be done.

  16. Glad youre back, I was worried about you!!!

    I'll be praying for you that its neither TB or lung cancer.

  17. You are in my prayers. I've smoked on and off since I was 13. It's a very hard habit to quit permanently. God is with you! Cancer is not!!

  18. Yea the REAL news can be depressing... but its the truth. Welcome back!

  19. I've also "pulled the plug." turned off the cable and internet. I only go on-line when I come into town.
    It is good. Have read many books and gotten a lot done.

  20. Welcome back!!..take care of yourself!!!!...God Bless You and Keep You!!

  21. vaccination may start as soon as September?

  22. Congrats on the new job. I agree that there are many curable things the blood could signify. May you heal quickly from whatever it is.

    Sending you a bubble of light to guide and protect you from that nasty super and any other drama/energy leechers. Proud of you for unplugging, learning the lessons you needed to and your bravery to return to share them with us. You are very much loved, honored and appreciated.
    Let us know if there is any other specific prayers you want sent your way...

    blessed be...


Hi, this is Kit.

I haven't posted since summer 2010, and comment moderation has been on for a very long time.

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