Saturday, November 7, 2009

Kit's Satire: Ideal Part Time Jobs

I'm on the light side this weekend, and have been thinking about some ideal, part-time fluff jobs, perfect for folks looking for a second gig. Feel free to add yours.

~Presidential Check Writer~

You can handle this job! Yes, I am certain that nearly all of you have a great deal of experience writing checks, so add that to your resume. Our Commander In Chief is too busy to fill out all these "bailout" checks. You can do this, and he only needs to sign them.

Just remember to not use the word "welfare" around him. I think he likes to call it "economic recovery" money or some other fancy phrase to make the rich and the tax payers feel better.

~Food Disposer for Gordon Ramsey~

Didn't your grandma or mom teach you to carry ziplock bags whenever you ate at buffet restaurants? Remember how embarrassed you were when other customers or the wait staff caught you? You've got experience then! You can dispose this celebrity cook's magnificent meals right into your refrigerator, as fresh and crisp as it was on his show. The all paid travel benefits will be a plus.

~Vibrator Tester~

Someone has to do it, right? Both women and men can apply to determine if the latest interesting little device can give a good shoulder massage. That's what they're for, right? Just be sure to take out a life insurance policy, however, in the event that faulty wiring in the encasement causes a power outage in your body.

~Medical Marijuana or Alcohol Sampler~

Don't lie. Bunch of y'all got experience in this area. For every batch of legal weed or ale, somebody is working in Quality Control and testing that shit. Might as well be you.

~Reality TV Show Audition Screener~

If you can scan a crowd and quickly identify a bully, nutcase, nerd, skank, dimwit, or a beautiful girl or hunky guy willing to do anything for love, fame or career, apply for the next season of shows.

My favorite was Real Chance of Love (their Stallionaire Guide To Dating clips are pretty funny), and more recently, I Want To Work For Diddy 2.

"Ahahaha... These silly hoes thought we were looking for love.
But thanks for letting me tap that ass."

"What, you think this is easy?
Work for me anyway so I can send my kids

AND the next 20 generations of Diddys to college!"

Even if you have a long history of dating or working with "unforgettable" folks, that's experience, so apply to screen those candidates. Afterwards, you might even get a date with, or can give a job to, someone who didn't make the cut.

Then you can blog about them.

~Doomsday Clock Watcher~

If you can tell time and periodically holler out, "It's still five to midnight!", apply now.

There's actually a doomsday clock. It's was started by and is maintained by the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists. As said in wikipedia, "The number of minutes before midnight – measuring the degree of nuclear, environmental, and technological threats to mankind – is periodically corrected; currently, the clock reads five minutes to midnight, having advanced two minutes on 17 January 2007."

These mofo's actually think the world will end when their clock says so. They probably drink too much coffee and worry too much, then try to get everyone else to worry with them. I used to do that, and I know just thing they need.

I'm gonna apply for that job. When they're yapping it up on their umpteenth coffee break, I'm gonna push up the time to past midnight, just to eff with their heads.

Betcha they'll be applying for some of those other jobs by tomorrow.


  1. Reality show screener might be super annoying.

    Another option could be something along the lines of infomercial proposer. You get to screen the most mundane/outrageous inventions and then cast people to advertise them. Look how much money the Snuggy and the late Mays guy made.

    Also something to do with No Child Left Behind. You could be a person who makes the requirements for schools and then does nothing to make sure the students are actually learning the material.

  2. What we need to do i get them clock watching fools onto a reality show so they can get some ass. Yep, all will be well with the world after that.

    Good stuff, Kit.


  3. Kit I love it!!
    I have seen people with the ziplock bag...If the economy keep heading down..this might not be a bad idea.

  4. LOL, good list. My Granny was notorious for taking the condiments home, back when you could get a bread basket that was stacked with rolls and a variety of crackers. As times got tough, she'd take the sugar and ketchup packets too. Of course my husband el cheapo takes way too many napkins, so he can avoid buying Kleenex.

    I think I want to be the medical marijuana tester, that sounds like a relaxing job. Though it might be a gas to screen fools for reality shows, especially VH1, they get the real strange ones!

  5. I must admit that you've got some pretty good ones up there.....some pretty good ones indeed. However, as I sat here reading this; I actually thought up a few of my own, most notably......

    Deflowerer/Poonanny stretcher EngineerII

    Must have ABS (Alabama Black Snake) and professional certifications EL, TT&MP. Although I'm hesitant to undertake the rigors of this position, I feel as if I should because it's a public service and I've always believed in giving back to the community. Since my needs are few, I'd only require 3 vacation days a year; and I'd be willing to work 6 days a week. I'm also willing to work at least 12 hours a day. However due to the strenuous requirements of this position I will require at least 7 or 8 hours of sleep between "sessions". Since no one really wants to do this job, I'd require compensation of at least $1,000,000.00 per annum, though I would be available to work overtime.

  6. Dang, you all are cracking me up!

    Reggie, you're a nut! (Pardon the double entrendre.

    BGIM, I'd have never guessed!

    JJBrock, Got my ziplock bags!

    Rippa, Excellent idea! The ratings will be sky high, too.

    A.Eye, I'm applying today for the first one, and well, I think some of the schools have that job sewn up!

  7. I could qualify for a couple of these jobs. There are actually a couple that I would enjoy more than my current position.