Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Trolls, Haters, Anti-Abortion or Pro-Choice Fanatics, And Shame

I never had an experience with an anti-abortion fanatic until Sunday. He was as sneaky as the sneakiest of a racist troll. This mofo used my blog and my last post for his agenda platform, and that post didn't didn't mention a damn thing about abortion. To add insult, he then essentially told me not to believe my lying eyes and that I wasn't reading his words right.

I am one given to introspection. Some of his points were very thought-provoking, and when I cool off, I will mull over them some more. Oh, I deleted them in my last post - there were so many - because they grew increasingly offensive and made wild and incorrect assumptions about me, my kid, and my past abortion, but I did save the emails.

The reason? We can sometimes learn something from people who are extremists and piss us off royally, once we sift through their garbage.

Here's the formula for the more intelligent hater or troll. They have at least two basic techniques.

One is they set up a blog that has little content. Then they go trolling through blogs with points of view or the type of people they don't like, and they leave comments that mix the truth with lies or covert hate, like racism or sexism.

The other is they set up a blog that has a similar name of a blog that others enjoy. I ran across one last week that I thought was about black humor, and found it on the blogroll of an unsuspecting black blogger we all know and love.

So I got to reading the current post of this blog, and this person cited outrageously high crime stats for black against white crime. He had a link as though that was an authoritative link, so I clicked on on it, and it was to another blog! Not the Department of Justice (DOJ) who has the real crime stats, but to an obscure-looking little blog with a link to PDF format article with those same stats.

I read the cover page and who authored it, and quickly googled the name. Well, well, well. The "foundation" that authored it was founded by a white supremacist who is on the ADL's hate watch list, which includes other supremacists, organizations, and Nazis.

That damned blog had a bunch of links to look like the blogger had done his research, but put a spin on the most mundane of articles, even one by Fox News that was actually more progressive than his.

The thing is, that post had truth mixed in with lies, so if you scanned it without looking for how he justified his point of view or reading the links, you might walk away believing the lies he told. That blogging bitch is either a white racist or worse, a self-hating black person who promotes white supremacy while at the same time, having a blogroll of black bloggers. Wolves in sheep's clothing.

And this is how our heads get polluted, and how we as black people, black men, and black women, get confused and start arguing among one another over how bad things are when often our source of information is propaganda.

The trolls who work at Fixed News may or may not be bloggers, but as far as I'm concerned, Lou Dobbs and Bill O'Reilly are masters at this at technique #2. Two smart men who speak like gentlemen on camera, and mix lies with truth because have contempt hidden in their hearts. Oh, they got outted over a year ago, but skated for a long time under the radar, and for a lot of white folks who live in a bubble and don't understand racism or classism all that well, they still think those guys aren't so bad.

Back to trolls. I view them as obsessive types who like an audience. I think the best remedy is to delete their numerous comments on one post when it becomes apparent that they're not sincere - as in sincerely mis-educated but wanting to learn, or sincerely wanting to do something other than harass the blogger and distract from the post and put a chilling effect on it so that readers think, nah, I don't wanna get into that conversation!

However, there are whites who really don't understand a black point of view (I'm speaking generically), just as there are men who really don't understand a woman's point of view. Yeah, I know a lot of them just fake like they "aren't aware" so they can continue to be offensive and stress out folks, but some really don't know any better and are just giving an opinion that sounds dumb or mean to our ears.

I have a lot of patience with people like this, maybe because I was so incredibly stupid and biased about men when I was much younger and had all kinds of misconceptions about white people. Blame the culture or tv, I'm just sayin'.

I speak of all this now because I've written several posts about my personal experience and regret about an abortion I had at age 19. One out of three women, according to Planned Parenthood, has had one. That's a lot of potential parents who never became parents. Note that I didn't say that's a lot of women. It takes two to tango and don't ever forget the men who share that experience.

Yet despite these abysmal numbers, I can't recall a single blogger or reader-commenter who ever told their story. Ya girl Kit has, though, and for a purpose beyond being an attention whore.

For the record, I've shared my story because I've known and seen too many young women - and men - abort without having a fuckin' clue as to how their emotions might be impacted afterwards. Most folks don't feel too good about it once it's done. Folks might look at you at little funny and start judging you, and this goes for men too, as in, why fuck didn't you use a rubber, or why you dog that girl like that?

Abortion, as a conversational topic, just might be as taboo as incest, and this is the reason why is no one talks about this shit.

The consequences of the secrecy, however, is that youth are left ignorant and clueless about what they're deciding. It's a double-bind situation, because if you do start talking about it, you the run the same risk of being denigrated even when you say you regret it.

Case in point: Yesterday along came this fanatical pro-life bitch who said everything to me short of calling me a baby-killer, all because I remain staunchly pro-choice, and I'll explain that in a moment.

I don't recall too many pro-lifers getting all knotted up and talking shit to men who enlisted and served in the military, which is one of the great killing machines of our times. In fact, they're more likely to vote for the Nuke 'em Party, aka the GOP.

This is where the rabid sexism comes in, and that's as nasty as racism. Well, bullies always did like to pick easy targets - the perceived underclass group in any society, and of course, women.

Despite what I've been through, I have and will forever remain pro-choice and continue to give my opinion. I will not be shamed or bullied into silence by either the fetus-in-the-jar anti-abortion asswipes or the it's-just-a-little-minor-medical-procedure feminist pro-abortion liars.

There's a helluva middle ground, and that's where most people get fucked. Having an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy throws most single folks who grew up in the Me First Generation into a panic. They only have a few weeks to make a decision. During this time, there's an excellent chance they're emotionally numb from shock, mentally on auto-pilot, and trying not to think at all beyond the appointment day.

This is especially true if their boyfriend (or girlfriend), and their other support systems are saying that a baby would be too inconvenient "right now", as though there's ever a good time to have a child.

Or the support system will do the opposite, and say having the baby would be okay even though the woman in particular has a track record of being so irresponsible that you know that kid has a very high chance of becoming totally effed up.

Here's my bottom line advice, and I don't give this kind of advice lightly.

If you are a woman - or a man, 'cause y'all are part of the baby-making process too - you know your temperament better than anyone else.

When stuck in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation, make the decision you think you can best live with, not only in the immediate future, but five, ten, twenty and thirty years from now.

Remember that no matter what you decide, there will be times when you wonder what your life would be or have been like had you made the opposite decision.

I know people who regret having a child, and you'll find a lot of them among the elderly, sitting alone or senior citizens homes where they have nothing but time to think, and I know lots of young and middle aged adults who regret aborting or encouraging a woman to have one.

You are not all-powerful and will never, ever know the outcome of whatever decision you didn't make, so again, consider all the advice you get, read up on as much as you can on the health dangers of both pregnancy and abortion-related infertility and other problems, think about the impact of your personal spiritual beliefs (if any), know and respect your temperament, and make the choice you think you can live with.

This, to me, is the heart of real pro-choice: choosing what is right for you after giving it serious thought from all angles. This is exactly what the anti-abortion and the pro-abortion fanatics don't want - thinking about anything other than their point of view which they've rammed down the throats of everyone in the country.

Think for yourselves, and walk not in shame if you think you made a mistake by continuing or terminating a pregnancy, for mistakes are human and help us grow - when we (and sometimes others) allow it.


I probably won't respond to many comments like I usually do for a couple of days, as I'm leaving the discussion to readers to share their feelings, thoughts or experiences. When not on comment moderation, I will be nearby to delete comments from any known or suspected trolls, flamers, or undercover haters.

If you leave an anonymous comment, please put some kind of name at the end of it as I expect their may be more one, and use that anonymous feature if you aren't comfortable with others knowing your story.


  1. I used to be a ho and I've had five abortions.
    I still think of them as me being responsible (or irresponsible) and I feel for every woman who chose to accommodate my wishes.
    - I still remember every woman I walked past every wall of protesters.
    - I still remember all of the iron rich lunches afterwards.
    - I still remeber the breakups.
    - I still find joy that they all found happiness and children without me.

    Now, when younger women ask my advice;
    "You may regret keeping the baby,
    but you'll regret killing it more.", is all I have to say.

    I wrote about this long ago and the details are too involved to write here.
    But I think many people have a similar experience.

  2. Gotta love these people. If you have an abortion, the pro-lifers call you a murderer, and the pro-abortionists (I know there's no such term, but I am referring to the pro-choice people who make it sound like it's really no big deal)don't let you mourn your loss. No wonder many women bloggers refuse to talk about it, no one likes to be told what to feel.

  3. KIT,

    I'm glad that you exposed some of the techniques that are being used to forward negative messages about us. We need to remember that this is an open medium with all manners of folks who have access to it.

    There are people who will never understand the pro-choice stance. I am pro-choice and will remain that way due to an experience that my oldest sib had when we were teenagers. He had created a child with a girlfriend. They were just about to finish school. She opted to have an abortion done by a woman who provided services to the community. The end result was horrible. The girlfriend died. She bled to death. My brother had called other family members when he discovered that she was in distress. The end result-a member of my family was charged with being the one who performed the abortion. She was cleared of the charges-but the impact of that at home procedure made me realize that if abortions are going to happen-then they need to be done in a hospital. Not at home or by someone who doesn't have the knowledge or equipment to follow up in case of a real emergency.

    Ending a pregnancy is not a light weight decision. Anyone who says that it is probably doesn't have a true regard for life. The Right To Lifers piss me off because their stance only hovers around babies. Where in the hell are they when the children really need them? I have seen too many unwanted children during the course of my teaching career. It hurts to see the way that their lives and their parents lives are lived.

    Of course, I am also pro-being birth control responsible. This is the best way if you cannot abstain to prevent creating life.

  4. Kit, I love your posts. Always.

    It's pretty straightforward for me.

    Who am I to ever tell anyone else what type of life-changing decisions they can or cannot make? I'm pro-choice not because I believe we need to go around encouraging people to "kill their babies" (terminology crazy pro-lifers use to make abortion about one thing when it's really so much bigger than that) but because I think everyone ought to have the choice.

    The reality is, we can outlaw it but people will still do it. Give them the choice, fund organizations that educate women on their options, and sit back and STFU.

    It's funny to me. Pro-lifers tend to be conservative and we all know that a common conservative belief is that the gov't ought not be funding much of anything, let alone your daily needs. So these pro-lifers want you to keep your baby but don't want to help you take care of it and then want to lambast you for being a bad parent. GTFOH

    I can't with those people because they don't adopt, they don't support public programs to help struggling parents care for their kids, they don't sympathize with the plight of a single parent. They judge and THAT pisses me off.

    As for trolls... I've never understood it. Have your ignorant blogs, it's a free country, but keep that mess over there with you and yours. Don't bring it in my space.

  5. I've had two: the first in 2002, when I knew I wasn't ready. I even grieved for a while, wondering what junior (non gender-specific) would've looked like. The second was when my daughter (now four) was a year and change old. Her dad and I decided this was best; even if I didn't tell him, I still would've gotten it done (ironically, he told me in no uncertain terms that he would kill me if I aborted her. Timing be damned: fear and loathing have NO place in childbearing decisions.)

    A. Smith, I'm with you about both factions, but the pro-lifers piss me off even more for the reasons you stated. Yes it's a heavy decision, and a painful procedure to boot. Abortion represents the ultimate in gray areas (at least to me); more people need to discuss every facet of same.

    Oh, I paid for both mydamnself.

  6. All i'm saying is you have every right to speak your mind and tell your story. I don't know where the haters/trolls get off, but it definitely gives them some kind of mental orgasm, to blow hot breath on other peoples opinions, actions and lives. I never had an abortion, but i took a relative to have one, and it is a painful, emotional experience i will never forget. Kit, check out my poetry blog, i wrote a poem about it called 2 minutes.

  7. Who am I to speak on a subject and life changing procedure as abortion.
    I have no ideal what the pain is like physically or emontionally.
    But here is what I do know Kit, you write one hellva blog.
    Don't let others who may disagree with you take you off of your path to greatness!

  8. You know, I have to say I abhor the fact that people can line up and support the horrific killing of strangers yet turn around and be all abusive about a person deciding not to bring a child into the world.

    People seem so violently annoyed when you don;t want to live your life they way they do, or you don;t have the same opinions as them, or you won;t sit and let them abuse you without responding.

    Its kinda ridiculous, hilarious and evil all at the same time.
    I wish these people would sort out their insecurities and find something peaceful to fight and live for.

    re; trolls
    It's not soo much that trolls are smart in using propaganda, its more that we have become lazy and refuse to do research and we are attracted to 'one liners'.

    It's simply not good enough to link to a person based on a post or one agreement because your link is an endorsement of that particular blog and that point of view. I don't think people take that seriously enough.

  9. Kitt,

    Let me tell you my abortion story.

    While I was living in Germany I was dating a chick I was thinking about marrying. Well one day she tells me that she is pregnant. I am happy about this because I truly wanted to be with this girl and I wanted a son. Well, we lived about 2 hours from each other and we only saw each other on weekends. After she told me that she was pregnant, I got deployed for 3 weeks to Belgium. When I got back I had a letter waiting for me from her telling me that she had an abortion because she just was not ready for a child. Needless to say I have not talked to her since and she is still every degrading name I can call her. I do not like abortion, but I also think that it is a woman's choice. But what happened to me was wrong ass wrong.


    I have posted a second installment on my other blog, just to let you know, Professor.... LOL

  10. Hello Kit,

    There was was a man in our church that used to say... "Lord, if I only knew how to pray". He would say that with heartfelt conviction but my brother and I would laugh everytime he said it. Upon returning home, we would "do him" and fall to the floor with laughter.

    Today I am feeling that man because I can not find the correct words to express my feelings on this post. However, since the post had many themes, I've chosen a couple that hit home with me.

    re: Abortion. I have no opinion, pro or against.

    re: Haters & Trolls: I hate them, okay.

    re: This >>>...Kit: "Yet despite these abysmal numbers, I can't recall a single blogger or reader-commenter who ever told their story. Ya girl Kit has, though, and for a purpose beyond being an attention whore:

    Kit, the last part "for a purpose beyond being an attention whore" caught my eye. I you may know, I did a whole post on "blog attention whores".

    So I felt your need to include those words. Moreso, I undersatnd why you may have included them.

    Your blog could fall in the "personal" category. I consider my blog a very personal blog, in that, I write about my life -- the good, the bad, and the ugly. When I talk/write about the rewards I've received from owning my mistakes and moving forward, there always seems to be those that view my new mindset (self-discovery) as self-righteousness.

    So I applaud your courage to speak about your journey and your ability to understand that some people may view your "raising of the blinds" as some sort of attention whore-ish-ness. Yes, there are those that share their journey (good & bad) with the hopes that others may recieve the inspiration to share theirs. And thus, open a discussion to solve a few serious issues that seldom hit the floor.

    Yes Ms Kit, everyone that shares from the heart doesn't have to be a prick or an attention whore.

    Some are just secure enough to tell their stories. You my dear, seem to be one of them.

  11. Carey, You said, "So I applaud your courage to speak about your journey and your ability to understand that some people may view your "raising of the blinds" as some sort of attention whore-ish-ness.

    I was thinking about that post you wrote when I mentioned that in this post. It's amazingly easy to write about the problems of others, because there's an emotional distance and safety there. Digging through our own crap is much harder, and I think in the end, more genuine and valuable to others.

    Dirty Red, You said, "After she told me that she was pregnant, I got deployed for 3 weeks to Belgium... When I got back... she'd had an abortion. I do not like abortion, but I also think that it is a woman's choice. But what happened to me was wrong ass wrong."

    I feel your pain and anger, Red. This is an unsolvable and common problem for men who want a pregnancy continue but the woman doesn't. I'm sorry for you that she didn't continue with it and let you adopt it, but if the idea occurred to her, I'm sure she had her reasons, which I hope were based more on shame of being an unwed mother (to a mixed race child in Germany?) or fear of being abandoned rather than it being inconvenient.

    Soul, I agree, trolls are annoying because they go way beyond wanting to disagree. They beat their point to death on your blog and flame and offend with impunity. I think a lot of them of them have OCD, and combined with racism, sexism or fanaticism, this makes them azzholes to deal with.

    Big Mac In Pittsburgh, I'm glad to know you love my blog. I doubt that I'll be 'great' in the household name sense for writers, but I thank you.

    Mizrepresent, You said, "I never had an abortion, but i took a relative to have one, and it is a painful, emotional experience i will never forget."

    I can only imagine. Also, I looked for your new poem, "2 Minutes" the day you left your comment and again just now, but haven't found it.

    Rainebeaux, Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I'm wondering if the birth of your daughter helped you get over the grief of the earlier abortion, and how your husband took it when you had another one a few years after she was born?

    A.Smith, You said, "The reality is, we can outlaw it but people will still do it," and re: ProLifers, "they don't adopt, they don't support public programs to help struggling parents care for their kids, they don't sympathize with the plight of a single parent."

    I don't know why they don't have more empathy for the struggling single parents or support those programs either. Single mothers are more likely to be chained to poverty, so if they focused more on the already living than the unborn, that would reduce a lot of social problems including unplanned pregnancies and abortions.

    Miss Lady Deborah, Wow, your brother and family went through hell, not to mention his GF dying! A lot of teen girls and women suffered and died from abortions prior to them becoming legal in 1973. They will again if Roe vs. Wade is ever repealed. Thank you so much for sharing that story.

  12. Marianne, Of all the comments, one part of yours hit me the hardest: "I am referring to the pro-choice people who... don't let you mourn your loss."

    Oh how they can be some harsh judges. Nearly everywhere and families in particular, they push the girl or woman into having it, then so they don't feel guilty afterwards, don't want to see, hear, or talk about anything that relates to grieving. Their message, keep your tears and pain to yourself is loud and clear, and can cross the line into abusiveness.

    The person who is not allowed to grieve from either the pro-choicer or the pro-lifer is high risk for all kinds of problems.

    It's like, if you want to make someone sick with depression, anxiety, or other problems, don't let them mourn or cry, and act like a shithead when they do. Been through it and it delays or can prevent the healing process.

    Ugly Black John, I am amazed that you stepped forward and shared your story. I have a friend in your situation, who also took it lightly back in the 1970s when he was in his wild 20s.

    Abortion was packaged as merely a medical procedure to "get rid of a few cells", and he pushed one girlfriend after another to having a total of five abortions. Now he's in his late 50s and wishes he could have done things differently, at least with some of them.

    This underscores the need for people to learn and know all the short and long term possibilities of continuing a pregnancy or having an abortion, and to think through them carefully. Thank you John, for courageously sharing your story.

  13. There are times when I feel so naive. Before reading your post I never thought that there could be self-hating black people other there promoting the hate agenda. Damn

  14. Kit, you asked me: I'm wondering if the birth of your daughter helped you get over the grief of the earlier abortion, and how your husband took it when you had another one a few years after she was born?

    By the time my daughter was conceived, my mourning had already ended for Junior the First (who was by someone else). As for the abortion succeeding her, her dad (not my husband*) was indifferent at best and discouraged any hint of mourning. Not that it mattered; I was (and still am) too obsessed with staying employed and struggling with embracing motherhood in general.**

    *I'll put it like this: if I married my babydaddy, I'll most likely break all Ten Commandments and commit four felonies at a minimum WITHIN THE FIRST 36 HOURS. roughly translated, I'm too busy mourning the loss (or should I say forfeiture) of my childlessness. Now I'm concentrating on clawing my way out of poverty and breaking numerous generational curses.

    Hope that made sense; I'll get into this very touchy/polarizing subject a little deeper when my blog materializes (just before or just after Christmas).

  15. Rainebeaux, Thank you so much for coming back and elaborating on this. I commend you for your courage in sharing your story in more detail, and I understand why you made that decision. Poverty plus a nightmarish relationship is pretty bad. Email me or leave a comment when your new blog starts.

  16. Devon, The anti-abortion fanatical "troll" who BTW, wrote me a total of five nasty comments for this post, isn't black; he's a white guy who I learned is also allegedly a racial segregationist.

    Now, the person owns the blog that fronts being black owned may or may not be. He or she has done everything to give the impression of being black, but if so, is one sick puppy. In fact, in a recent post they said they got a number of emails asking if they were black or white. Their answer: they weren't going to answer the question because "it didn't matter".

    Bullshit, and spoken like a white racist trying to hide or black self-hater trying to hide from his or her own color to avoid being tagged worse than an Uncle Tom. Too late for that, I had one reader email me and guess which site it is and is mad that his site is blogrolled on theirs to give them an air of credibility.

    To be honest, Devon, I'm not 100% sure you're talking about either of the above, and if you come back, I'd appreciate you clarifying. I doubt it but I'd like to be sure.

    A tiny part of me was wondering if you might be referring to me or some commenters as self-hating blacks. Like I said, I doubt it, but if so, that's a fair game comment and thought.

    The pro-choicer who won't say no to all women having access to reproductive rights, aka abortion, but feels regret and anger after they had one, is in a bit of a dilemma. While they might not do it again, they would not interfere with the lives of other women or men who feel this is their best option.

    It is truly a type of mental gymnastics involved in this. It leaves one holding two opposing values at the same time, and this can be stressful. In a moment, I'll explain why it's necessary from my point of view.

    There are [black] folks, especially frequent church goers or those who strictly follow the Bible who have no qualms about saying it's wrong, and I'm a little disappointed none of them have weighed in on this discussion.

    On one level, I agree with them, but for a larger social level, I don't, because:

    1) Not everyone is the kind of Christian who has been 100% in putting their behavior where their words are, or belongs to a like-minded religion, leading to speak of:

    2) Secularism. This is a secular society where there are sound reasons for the separation of Church and State. Were it not, blacks would still be slaves as done in the Old Testament, and women would living as 2nd class citizens like they did here not a century ago, and still do in parts of the world.

    This is what I meant about mental gymnastics, where developing and having one set of values, and also espousing another set of values for common good of larger society. For many women who have aborted only to regret it later, it does add fuel to the grieving process where there is nearly always a component of self-hate.

    For me, finding my way back to self-love has been a difficult journey, yet one where I was determined to not block the path of other women and men by becoming anti-abortion and who have different needs and situations from my own.

  17. This was a fuckin brilliant post! In your line of work and being a geek like myself, have you encountered the term "non-normie"...? I came across it a few years ago listening to an interview with Jack Thomas on Air America, and it stuck with me.

    Well, these "activists" or extremists as you appropriately labeled them are for the most part non-normies. Many of them speak or come from a place within themselves of repressed or aggrieved anger and rage. Instead of being on the internet, they should be in a hater 12 step program.


  18. Rippa, I clicked your "Click To Listen" link a few days and listened to it. I recommend to all my readers to check it out. Thank you.


Hi, this is Kit.

I haven't posted since summer 2010, and comment moderation has been on for a very long time.

My old blogger friends (you know who you are) are welcome to email me.

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